Recently I experienced one of those personal learning moments. You know the type? Incredibly-hard-to-embrace when they are fresh but oh-so-valuable once clarity settles in?
Looking back I can see I'd been moving towards this one for a while. In hindsight the process wasn't pretty and I could have chosen to handle some things differently, but now that I have finally had my moment, I know every step was absolutely necessary.
The climax took root during a conversation with a new friend (someone my gut tells me I will come to love and adore as our friendship develops). She is genuine, kind, and intelligent, and incredibly real and welcoming. Perhaps that is why, during our conversation, I (being brutally honest and unfiltered as I sometimes tend to be) said something about another person's behavior that stopped me in my tracks. It was accurate, but it was very harsh. As soon as it popped out of my mouth I thought, "Wait. This is not me. I don't say things like that (at least not out loud!)." Then as a quick follow-up... "But [my new friend] doesn't know that. What must she think?" Then...
"What is really going on here?"
On the drive home I questioned myself about why I would say something so unkind about someone else, regardless of how justified my defenses told me it was. It was disrespectful and hurtful, and honestly, I was ashamed.
Peeling back the layers I began to see it. And I finally had to admit to myself (my biggest supporter and my harshest critic) that I said something hurtful because, at the core, I am deeply disappointed - and have been really hurt - by the way the subject of my comment has treated me. Really hurt.
But I don't want to feel hurt!
Peeling away, I found anger with myself for letting me get hurt in the first place. Next, I found anger with her (the perpetrator) for treating me so poorly (I do not and never will understand it). Then, like the kinks and tightness that slowly release during an amazing massage, I felt the negative energy locked up inside begin to evaporate. The weight and intensity of the hurt I had been carrying around faded as each layer peeled away. And forgiveness settled in.
Forgiveness for her. And for me.
This latest opportunity to "peel" has reminded me once again that regardless of the challenges others put forth, what matters most is that I stay true to myself. I'm certainly not perfect and I'll have slip ups more often than I'd like, but taking care to be my caring, loving, forgiving self is what makes me strong and confident and successful. It's what leads me to ultimately see the good in others and remember to appreciate the beauty around me. It's what makes me, me.
And that is worth embracing.
Looking back I can see I'd been moving towards this one for a while. In hindsight the process wasn't pretty and I could have chosen to handle some things differently, but now that I have finally had my moment, I know every step was absolutely necessary.
The climax took root during a conversation with a new friend (someone my gut tells me I will come to love and adore as our friendship develops). She is genuine, kind, and intelligent, and incredibly real and welcoming. Perhaps that is why, during our conversation, I (being brutally honest and unfiltered as I sometimes tend to be) said something about another person's behavior that stopped me in my tracks. It was accurate, but it was very harsh. As soon as it popped out of my mouth I thought, "Wait. This is not me. I don't say things like that (at least not out loud!)." Then as a quick follow-up... "But [my new friend] doesn't know that. What must she think?" Then...
"What is really going on here?"
On the drive home I questioned myself about why I would say something so unkind about someone else, regardless of how justified my defenses told me it was. It was disrespectful and hurtful, and honestly, I was ashamed.
Peeling back the layers I began to see it. And I finally had to admit to myself (my biggest supporter and my harshest critic) that I said something hurtful because, at the core, I am deeply disappointed - and have been really hurt - by the way the subject of my comment has treated me. Really hurt.
But I don't want to feel hurt!
Peeling away, I found anger with myself for letting me get hurt in the first place. Next, I found anger with her (the perpetrator) for treating me so poorly (I do not and never will understand it). Then, like the kinks and tightness that slowly release during an amazing massage, I felt the negative energy locked up inside begin to evaporate. The weight and intensity of the hurt I had been carrying around faded as each layer peeled away. And forgiveness settled in.
Forgiveness for her. And for me.
This latest opportunity to "peel" has reminded me once again that regardless of the challenges others put forth, what matters most is that I stay true to myself. I'm certainly not perfect and I'll have slip ups more often than I'd like, but taking care to be my caring, loving, forgiving self is what makes me strong and confident and successful. It's what leads me to ultimately see the good in others and remember to appreciate the beauty around me. It's what makes me, me.
And that is worth embracing.
